|
Post by krissie on Feb 7, 2013 15:55:00 GMT
Hi all,
Here is the mission statement:
Our mission is to bring the traders of the East End together to speak with one voice, harnessing public support and educating policy makers on the economic, social and cultural value that independent businesses bring to our communities. By working together we aim to support our local economy to thrive and grow.
Tell us what you think........
|
|
|
Post by tomprice on Feb 10, 2013 19:06:16 GMT
It's good.
Three thoughts: 'educating AND INFLUENCING policymakers...'
Secondly, 'traders' is quite ambiguous. You use 'independent businesses' later and that is clearer.
Also, the last sentence needs a few extra words to make it work properly, I think. '.... to support our local economy TO HELP IT to thrive and grow.'
Tom
|
|
|
Post by krissie on Feb 11, 2013 10:59:11 GMT
Thanks Tom!
|
|
|
Post by Jason on Feb 13, 2013 14:42:59 GMT
Apart from Tom's helpful comments on the first sentence, do you think the second sentence may repeat the notion of being together without adding to the earlier more specific part of our statement; there is also a repeat of the word support, in a way that is a bit unclear. May I suggest that the first sentence just concludes with "in order to help our local economy to thrive and grow."
|
|